Lately I often think about that saying about a tree falling in the forest, no one hearing it. I have never really understood the clue, but it is a bit like: if I do not write, or if I do: do people hear me? And is that the real purpose of my writing, to be heard by people? I never really figured that out, I just need to write.
The last week however, one of my editors at a gaming website I write for, was giving me a real hard time about an article. The BPD in me is not handling that kind of stuff well. I start thinking all my articles are bad, and that they want to get rid of me, bla bla. Not fun. Thankfully everything is fine with the articles now, and I think my editor is pretty fed up with me, but I am also a bit fed up with him of course, as writing can get really personal really swiftly. Not that we were not working together well, we are just like a married couple sometimes: bumps, bumps, bumps. 😉 Bickering galore!
Anyway, when everything was just one big mess, or not everything: just my article, and some other things that did not have to do with writing, I was just feeling so down, and I started thinking: what if I would not write for this website anymore? What if I would only write about games on platform x? What if platform x does not want me anymore either? What am I if I am not a videogame journalist: I’d be nothing!
Those thoughts are obviously not the healthiest or the most true, but they did stick with me for quite a few days. Cause if I really think this way, it means I would never be able to stop writing about video games, cause I would not let myself do so, thinking: but I have put so many years in this career! And this is how many people must feel when they are stuck in a job that they don’t dare to get out of. I am not implying I am stuck or I don’t dare to get out of video game writing, cause I do really like it, but I was just all of a sudden so very aware of how much writing is part of my identity. It scared me a bit.
I can think and overthink this many times, and it always comes down to that one question: why is writing so important to me? But I can’t really say. I am just happy that I can, especially thanks to some events in my life that I should also write a separate blog about, hihi. I do know now that if I do not write, I do not exist. I need it, it is such an amazing way of expressing yourself and it is so much fun to play around with words ❤