So while I am writing this, I am in love with this person. Being in love feels like borderline times 1000. I am exhausted, but at the same time this love gives me so much energy. I am often very depressed, but then there is this up with just feeling super happy like I can handle anything. It is being in doubt constantly, while also being so sure. It is like being insane.
But it is not always that black and white. There are also many grey area’s where I think: I am really feeling this strongly about this, or is this just my borderline personality speaking? Am I not just afraid of being lonely, cause very often when I just got out of a relationship I’d fall in love with someone easily. Of course those times falling in love do not feel remotely as strong as this one, but that probably is mainly because it is so long ago.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, it is ridiculous. Seeing this persons face makes me so thrilled, I get all these tingly feelings inside. I feel like I am 14 years old. I am not sure if this feeling is just for a few days, or if it will last super long, or how it will eventually die. And honestly, I do not even want to think about it, cause it does not matter. I should be living in the moment, enjoying what I have, and not get so worked up about something that I can’t seem to control (believe me, I have tried).
It gets even harder when your love is not answered, or not really anyway. It feels like that is not right. It is incredible how one person can be totally in love, butterflies and all, while the person of their affection does not feel this at all. It scares me, cause it is quite cruel right? Why would Cupid shoot me, and then forget to shoot the other one? You could say he might have more in store for me, something better, but while being so into this person, totally into this person, it is really not fun to think about that.
At this moment it is not fun to think about building relationships anyway. I don’t want to have to put in all this energy into getting to know someone, trusting them, making sure they are not just in it for that one thing. It’s a lot of stuff to think about. And I have done so over the past few months. Do I want to be in a relationship, ever again? What will I try to do differently to make it work this time? What if I never find a person special enough (or who understands that I am worth it, I guess..)? Now that I am infatuated with this person, it is very hard to focus on anything else.
Though I do not sound too positive right now, I am enjoying being in love too. It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel feelings, it excites me. But at the same time, while writing this blog, I can only think: when I publish this blog, whenever will that be, what will the status of this thing be? Maybe in my heart I already know better, or better yet: in my mind, but for some reason, my heart just can’t let go. It makes for cool poems, but I am getting a bit fed up with feeling this way.