I quit my job last week. I’ve worked there full time for 7 years, but the past year my job was degrading. The company I work for is ruled by fear, by not trusting other people’s expertise and ironically that is pretty scary. Having a manager not being able to deal with my talent, but instead alienated me from the rest, does not help in an environment like that. I never realized burnouts don’t just come from having too much work. It also comes from have too little work, or at least: too little room to really show off what you can do. 

The frustrating part about leaving a job, is the fakery. This week I had to tell my colleagues about me quitting. What I wanted to say was: “I quit my job, as I no longer feel welcome here anymore”. Instead I said: “I quit my job, my last day is XX and I will be focusing on my entrepreneurship.” Though I was not lying, that is not the reason why I am leaving. I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to explain that many colleagues made me feel like the odd one out. That the company really does not represent what I stand for, that I am not okay with the fear culture that only seems to grow, and that I felt like my management was doing everything in their power to get rid of me.

This makes it hard for me to be as fake as I am being, not really telling the truth about how I feel in this company, knowing that my colleagues will not understand. But that forces me to act exactly like what I am quitting for: the fakery. At a communications department it is all about making up great stories, while sweeping the less beautiful truth under the rug. It is quite the opposite of what I am used to doing as a journalist. And though work wise I can understand, it is not okay to treat colleagues the same way. Smiling, but talking shit about me to my manager behind my back. If I have an issue with someone, they will know. They will know especially before anybody else. Let alone their managers.

I quit

Cause that is how it felt in the end. I no longer felt welcome in the company so I pretended along, just to keep people off my back. I did not even feel welcome in doing my own job, which I know I am good at (and my yearly reviews show that as well). Management and a few colleagues just kept kicking me as I was down, and I decided I could no longer stand for it. Who am I if I accept people treating me this way? Even though I am not 100 percent sure if I can make it financially, I just needed to go.

Cause if you have a manager that can’t deal with backstabbers, you end up at the exact spot I am. And it feels bad to not be honest about why I am leaving, but at the same time, I don’t feel like having these conversations. I don’t feel like having to explain myself to everyone that is acting sweet (and let’s be honest, sometimes fake, again) saying: ooh so sad that you are leaving. I keep on smiling, being happy with my plans. I am happy with my plans, but I know times are going to be hard. And that is mainly because of this fakery. This fakery that I play along with these days, just to make sure I alienate myself even more. And that is taking so much energy, that I am tired all the time. I just want to sleep. I just want this phase to be over. Stop pretending.

So I have decided to focus more on my own little company. That way I can make it through these months that are still left. I have to, and I will, cause I know I can. If there is one thing you’ll learn from being around fake people all the time, it is who is really true to you. And guess who? Yes. Me. So it is me-time now.