Every time I step on a plane, stuff happens in my brain. Is it because I can’t be online for a few hours? Is it some kind of relaxation coming over me? I don’t know, but I always make decisions when I am out of my country. I am not saying I always immediately act (well) on these decisions, but just so you know: my life decisions are usually taken in other countries than Holland.
As I went to Paris and Warsaw this week, I have spent many hours on planes and trains, many hours were spend writing, others spent watching The Crown on Netflix, and a few were spent thinking. I have come to the realization that I actually need to do more of this. Not the thinking, haha okay, also the thinking, but the traveling and the writing. It is what I absolutely love love love.
When you work a 40 hour work week in an office, not doing something you are absolutely made to do, it can get frustrating. I notice myself being even more frustrated with artists that are just working from home, doing what they love, even though I do not earn a lot of money. I feel a bit trapped sometimes. I love my house, my life is very good, but I am not sure if it is really what I want. Cause I would rather also be a journalist for those 40 hours a week, instead of all the other hours that I am a journalist in my ‘spare’ time.
Sometimes I feel like I have built my own prison over the years. Again, I love my house, but it something I worry about often. I have to have at least 1000 euros a month to be able to simply keep it. It is too big for me anyway, I know I use all of the space now, but I could easily live in an apartment that is wayyy smaller (though I would like to have outside room voor my cats of course).
Sometimes I just want to be more flexible. Sometimes I get jealous of people that have boyfriends or girlfriends abroad, and then they just go on and live there. Just sell your stuff and build a new life in a different country, together with someone you love. It sounds like a dream to me. Not just because of the freedom, but (and this may sound crazy) also because when someone else has a job, at least it is not the greatest issue in the world that you might be out of a job or earning less for a while. I feel like a fool for thinking things like this, but I can’t stop my heart from wanting it somehow.
I know I should be able to get a job in journalism, but I am so afraid of losing it. Losing my job, losing my house. Plus, my current job has great benefits that I really do love. It is close to home, I do like my job. It is just hard that it is not what I absolutely love to do. I do not hate it, but it is starting to feel more wrong every day, like I am ‘wasting’ my time on this job while I could also be writing. On the other hand I know I am not the greatest person when it comes to dealing with money, so would I earn less, I would probably have a hard time surviving.
Plus, having less money also means have less money to travel. In my current job I have a good pay, many days off and those are important things too. So I have decided something, I am going to look for more freelance work, hopefully not putting too much on my plate, and I am going to see if I can take half a day off a bit more often to actually do that work. Maybe it gets to be more and more overtime, and maybe at some point I will be well enough moneywise to actually start working a day less in my current day job.
It is not my dream, but my dream is nearly unreachable anyway, so, for now, I will settle with this. The first steps are looking into getting more work, while also staying confident in myself. That is going to be a tricky one. Plus, I need to empty my calendar a bit more, in order for me to actually have the time to be looking for freelance jobs. It is just baby steps but I know that this will make me even happier in the end. I also want to try to have a city trip planned at least every two to three months, so at least I have some travel to look forward too. Though it would be even better to have things like this week: going places for work, writing about it, getting to see all these beautiful cities. It was perfect. It just feels right.